Conflicted

Suicide
such an awful thing
but is it?
Suffering
such an awful thing
it is.

If living is suffering
if living is pain
contorted gnarled seizures of old age
one would say, better to slip away in your sleep.
If in death she chose
and in life she rejected
contorted gnarled seizures of the mind
I would say, better to slip away in your sleep.

To let go
is to be set free
you would know it
if you have ever felt it.
If you never felt it
you would never know
the need to be set free
to let go.

In death
rest in peace
this is the one truth
for the life lost.
In life
those left behind
restless to seek the truth
for the life lost.

But when it’s gone
you’re truly gone
the pain is gone
no, the pain transfers to those not gone.
But when it’s there
you’re truly there
the pain is there
no, the pain does not transfer away.

To have your life taken from you
against your will
happiness is no more
To have your suicide taken from you
against your will
happiness, could there be more?

I have lived in two worlds
I have died and survived
I sympathise with the living, and
I sympathise with the dead.

__________________________________________________________________

Chester Bennington’s death has caused all sorts of conflict and confusion in my mind. On the one side his death is devastating and has left many people in so much pain. But on the other hand, he is free from his own pains and torments and is finally in peace. Having felt the pull of suicide, I can completely understand how it can be seen as the way out. But if I had not lived to this day, there is so much happiness that I would have missed out on. Thinking about it is making me feel lost but most of all sad that people are living with such torment that death is a better option to them.

Conclusion is that there is so much depth in life and death. I can’t even begin to comprehend it.

 

 

 

It Will Pass

During some of my longest periods of depression, sometimes it would just feel like things were beyond fixing, with no end in sight. I would wake up each morning thinking that today is the day that I recover, only to find that when I stepped outside I would crumble once more and have to return to my sick bed.

It is during those times when I was in the greatest danger. Exhaustion mixed with an inability to perform normal tasks as simple as eating, drinking water, leaving my bed for the bathroom let alone to go to work, would produce a sense of hopelessness so great that it would take away my entire identity.

That sense of losing control, losing your mind almost, is possibly the worst thing that can happen to someone. The thoughts which pass through my mind are startling and unmanageable. The voices tell me that I can never get better and to give up altogether.

I’ve been thinking about the sorts of things which eventually pull me out of these long episodes and this is the list I have so far:

  1.  Have a warm shower – the sensation produced by the water droplets pounding down on my skin, as well as the warmth, sometimes helps to wake me and pull me out of my state. It also drags me out of my bed and tricks my mind to think that by performing part of my normal morning routine that maybe things are beginning to return to normal.
  2. Create a good environment around you – I like to be comfortable, so lots of cushions, soft blankets, fresh air and general tidiness of the room I am in helps me to feel more calm and comforted. But this is just because an untidy room makes me a little stressed so this might not work for everyone.
  3. Take a good amount of time off work – I find it difficult to take time off work because being stuck at home makes me feel useless and trapped. But I try to remind myself that I shouldn’t be ashamed and have every right to take the time to recover. This leads me to the next point about how to relax and how best to make use of the time off.
  4. Sleep – long periods of depression are exhausting. I find myself drained of energy and unable to motivate myself to get out of bed. So the best thing, since I am already in bed, is to just try and fall asleep. I find this to be a good way of just switching off all the suicidal thoughts, especially if things are particularly bad and you are struggling to fight the thoughts away.
  5. Put on a tv show to distract yourself – I try to just embrace the fact that I’m essentially having an extra day off work and therefore if I was to skive off work then I may as well watch some TV. This helps me to shift my focus away from any bad thoughts and without noticing this sometimes helps me to let go of the tensions I didn’t even realise I was holding on to. Don’t watch anything sad though as this can make things worse. And if, like me, you find humour in watching cute animal videos, then I would also recommend watching some of these (I mean who wouldn’t crack a smile at this website)
  6. Get outside – When I am feeling ready and beginning to become less agitated, I force myself to take a walk outside, maybe just to get some groceries, or just to take out the rubbish. Doing this gives me a slight sense of achivement and starts to brush away those feelings of having to hide away from the world.
  7. Set yourself small challenges – I believe it’s an important step to try and get yourself back up again. I like to do this by setting myself small things to do in my mind e.g. making lunch or getting up to put some music on or just sitting up in bed. You have to set yourself a time limit too and as you get over each hurdle it’s crucial to take the time to feel good about each step you’ve taken.
  8. Talk to someone – this final point is probably the hardest one for me. I love to close everyone and everything off when I am down. I guess it’s just a defence mechanism, the typical fight or flight response. But talking to someone gives a whole new perspective on your problems and it actually does help substantially to go through each issue with somebody who is likely to be in a much better state than you to think logically. Often, I find that after talking about my problems to someone else, this helps me to realise that, actually, they aren’t so big any more.

So, that’s all I’ve got so far.

The honest problem is that, it’s not so easy to follow all these steps when I am in most need of them. I guess that’s the biggest problem with depression – that it’s like falling into an abyss and as crazy as it sounds, I just sometimes want to be left alone in there.

But here I am , wanting to give advice to others, so even if I don’t take my own advice, I hope someone else will benefit. I just want you to always remember that even when it feels like the episode will never stop, even when it’s the worst you’ve ever felt, believe me:

it will pass.

I trust there is a natural balance, a yin and yang  which will allow you to come out of it a stronger, fiercer person. You just have to be willing to wait for it.

-Speaking the taboo-

The Lost Battle

I wear my battle scars
etched upon the cuff of my sleeve
survival trophies
and taunting reminder

of the ongoing slaughter
fought for a thousand years.

But now
I sense the finale, it’s coming.
Can it really be?
The closing encounter.

Is this the end?
I am afraid
for the first time
because this fight
I may lose.

 


This week has been hell. I don’t feel like fighting. I don’t feel like recovery is possible. Emotionally exhausted yet it’s still ongoing. When can this end?

The Journey Home

A most radiant dawn,
seeped through
curtains drawn
a single ray accentuating the alcoves
of her body

Every beam, a beacon of hope
executing a perfect plié across her delicate shell
bouncing off immaculate, white sheets
so she appeared a mass of glittery sea

She stirred
but did not awake
soothed by a warmth close to her heart
which extended its embrace
and finally settled on her blushed cheek

A metallic thrum of metal cooling
rattled through the untouched air.
Unheard.
For faraway was she
lost within dreams, delicate
no longer a myriad of ritual ghouls
but a cherished calm

Such clarity, once a stranger
rang crystal, a lullaby
washing away old aches
revealing pure, flawless beauty

Gently, thus two dimples
set deeply upon her lower arch
roused and creased
moving closer
two old friends greeting

An inhale of new dawn
eyelids fluttered
she awoke
and imagined a world of possibility.

You don’t see me

Those searching eyes
into which I fall
clouded by film
hardened cataracts

You look but you don’t see
in fact, will never see
because your purified mind
cannot perceive such pollution

She hoped to cause a ripple
not to slip through the gaps
unseen, transparent
untouched, apparent

Don’t overlook me, I beg
see beyond the glass
how can’t you hear
that boomed and resonated

before it’s too late
it may be too late
is it too late
as she drifts beyond the sea

Requiem for a Dream

She wished
with a deep longing
of a way
she could one day
play
those mournful notes
her requiem for a dream
a 10 year composition
on tear stained manuscript
which sung of her depression
a haunted melody
of pain, fear and death
so hidden within her sanctuary
that no Prozac could come close
to producing a waltz
the dance of release
her three steps to glory.


 
 

Telling anyone you have depression is such a big step. I only wish I could do it.