Stuck

I was so young
when my depression struck
the pain to endure was too much
for a kid

and in adult
It hurts just as bad

I don’t blame anyone
No-one I let know
Pain I did not show.
So it happened

But
I’m still terrified to face it
I’m still in hiding
No-one truly knows me
I am still alone really
My mask is permanent
I can’t open up

Things are easier
But bring it up and I can’t breathe
Drowning, suffocating, struggling again
Don’t make me think back to that time
Wipe it clean for me.

I wish it on you all
So you would know
And not doubt
not overlook
not disregard
Don’t leave me in this
Alone

And it just builds up
And builds up
And build up
And explosion, that anger, that rage
I can’t control
let me be vulnerable
let me be weak
I need this, don’t help me

Let me break down
to the bottom of the pit
Sleep there a few days
I only need
Then I’ll rise up
Don’t move on
Wait for me
Please.
Or wipe it all clean.

 

I’d like to process that time so I can fully heal one day, but I think I fear the consequences and reactions of those around me.

 

Conflicted

Suicide
such an awful thing
but is it?
Suffering
such an awful thing
it is.

If living is suffering
if living is pain
contorted gnarled seizures of old age
one would say, better to slip away in your sleep.
If in death she chose
and in life she rejected
contorted gnarled seizures of the mind
I would say, better to slip away in your sleep.

To let go
is to be set free
you would know it
if you have ever felt it.
If you never felt it
you would never know
the need to be set free
to let go.

In death
rest in peace
this is the one truth
for the life lost.
In life
those left behind
restless to seek the truth
for the life lost.

But when it’s gone
you’re truly gone
the pain is gone
no, the pain transfers to those not gone.
But when it’s there
you’re truly there
the pain is there
no, the pain does not transfer away.

To have your life taken from you
against your will
happiness is no more
To have your suicide taken from you
against your will
happiness, could there be more?

I have lived in two worlds
I have died and survived
I sympathise with the living, and
I sympathise with the dead.

__________________________________________________________________

Chester Bennington’s death has caused all sorts of conflict and confusion in my mind. On the one side his death is devastating and has left many people in so much pain. But on the other hand, he is free from his own pains and torments and is finally in peace. Having felt the pull of suicide, I can completely understand how it can be seen as the way out. But if I had not lived to this day, there is so much happiness that I would have missed out on. Thinking about it is making me feel lost but most of all sad that people are living with such torment that death is a better option to them.

Conclusion is that there is so much depth in life and death. I can’t even begin to comprehend it.

 

 

 

It Will Pass

During some of my longest periods of depression, sometimes it would just feel like things were beyond fixing, with no end in sight. I would wake up each morning thinking that today is the day that I recover, only to find that when I stepped outside I would crumble once more and have to return to my sick bed.

It is during those times when I was in the greatest danger. Exhaustion mixed with an inability to perform normal tasks as simple as eating, drinking water, leaving my bed for the bathroom let alone to go to work, would produce a sense of hopelessness so great that it would take away my entire identity.

That sense of losing control, losing your mind almost, is possibly the worst thing that can happen to someone. The thoughts which pass through my mind are startling and unmanageable. The voices tell me that I can never get better and to give up altogether.

I’ve been thinking about the sorts of things which eventually pull me out of these long episodes and this is the list I have so far:

  1.  Have a warm shower – the sensation produced by the water droplets pounding down on my skin, as well as the warmth, sometimes helps to wake me and pull me out of my state. It also drags me out of my bed and tricks my mind to think that by performing part of my normal morning routine that maybe things are beginning to return to normal.
  2. Create a good environment around you – I like to be comfortable, so lots of cushions, soft blankets, fresh air and general tidiness of the room I am in helps me to feel more calm and comforted. But this is just because an untidy room makes me a little stressed so this might not work for everyone.
  3. Take a good amount of time off work – I find it difficult to take time off work because being stuck at home makes me feel useless and trapped. But I try to remind myself that I shouldn’t be ashamed and have every right to take the time to recover. This leads me to the next point about how to relax and how best to make use of the time off.
  4. Sleep – long periods of depression are exhausting. I find myself drained of energy and unable to motivate myself to get out of bed. So the best thing, since I am already in bed, is to just try and fall asleep. I find this to be a good way of just switching off all the suicidal thoughts, especially if things are particularly bad and you are struggling to fight the thoughts away.
  5. Put on a tv show to distract yourself – I try to just embrace the fact that I’m essentially having an extra day off work and therefore if I was to skive off work then I may as well watch some TV. This helps me to shift my focus away from any bad thoughts and without noticing this sometimes helps me to let go of the tensions I didn’t even realise I was holding on to. Don’t watch anything sad though as this can make things worse. And if, like me, you find humour in watching cute animal videos, then I would also recommend watching some of these (I mean who wouldn’t crack a smile at this website)
  6. Get outside – When I am feeling ready and beginning to become less agitated, I force myself to take a walk outside, maybe just to get some groceries, or just to take out the rubbish. Doing this gives me a slight sense of achivement and starts to brush away those feelings of having to hide away from the world.
  7. Set yourself small challenges – I believe it’s an important step to try and get yourself back up again. I like to do this by setting myself small things to do in my mind e.g. making lunch or getting up to put some music on or just sitting up in bed. You have to set yourself a time limit too and as you get over each hurdle it’s crucial to take the time to feel good about each step you’ve taken.
  8. Talk to someone – this final point is probably the hardest one for me. I love to close everyone and everything off when I am down. I guess it’s just a defence mechanism, the typical fight or flight response. But talking to someone gives a whole new perspective on your problems and it actually does help substantially to go through each issue with somebody who is likely to be in a much better state than you to think logically. Often, I find that after talking about my problems to someone else, this helps me to realise that, actually, they aren’t so big any more.

So, that’s all I’ve got so far.

The honest problem is that, it’s not so easy to follow all these steps when I am in most need of them. I guess that’s the biggest problem with depression – that it’s like falling into an abyss and as crazy as it sounds, I just sometimes want to be left alone in there.

But here I am , wanting to give advice to others, so even if I don’t take my own advice, I hope someone else will benefit. I just want you to always remember that even when it feels like the episode will never stop, even when it’s the worst you’ve ever felt, believe me:

it will pass.

I trust there is a natural balance, a yin and yang  which will allow you to come out of it a stronger, fiercer person. You just have to be willing to wait for it.

-Speaking the taboo-

The Lost Battle

I wear my battle scars
etched upon the cuff of my sleeve
survival trophies
and taunting reminder

of the ongoing slaughter
fought for a thousand years.

But now
I sense the finale, it’s coming.
Can it really be?
The closing encounter.

Is this the end?
I am afraid
for the first time
because this fight
I may lose.

 

This week has been hell. I don’t feel like fighting. I don’t feel like recovery is possible. Emotionally exhausted yet it’s still ongoing. When can this end?

The Journey Home

A most radiant dawn,
seeped through
curtains drawn
a single ray accentuating the alcoves
of her body

Every beam, a beacon of hope
executing a perfect plié across her delicate shell
bouncing off immaculate, white sheets
so she appeared a mass of glittery sea

She stirred
but did not awake
soothed by a warmth close to her heart
which extended its embrace
and finally settled on her blushed cheek

A metallic thrum of metal cooling
rattled through the untouched air.
Unheard.
For faraway was she
lost within dreams, delicate
no longer a myriad of ritual ghouls
but a cherished calm

Such clarity, once a stranger
rang crystal, a lullaby
washing away old aches
revealing pure, flawless beauty

Gently, thus two dimples
set deeply upon her lower arch
roused and creased
moving closer
two old friends greeting

An inhale of new dawn
eyelids fluttered
she awoke
and imagined a world of possibility.

You don’t see me

Those searching eyes
into which I fall
clouded by film
hardened cataracts

You look but you don’t see
in fact, will never see
because your purified mind
cannot perceive such pollution

She hoped to cause a ripple
not to slip through the gaps
unseen, transparent
untouched, apparent

Don’t overlook me, I beg
see beyond the glass
how can’t you hear
that boomed and resonated

before it’s too late
it may be too late
is it too late
as she drifts beyond the sea

Requiem for a Dream

She wished
with a deep longing
of a way
she could one day
play
those mournful notes
her requiem for a dream
a 10 year composition
on tear stained manuscript
which sung of her depression
a haunted melody
of pain, fear and death
so hidden within her sanctuary
that no Prozac could come close
to producing a waltz
the dance of release
her three steps to glory.

 
 

Telling anyone you have depression is such a big step. I only wish I could do it.

Panic Attacks

I can’t put into words the extent of terror one feels during a panic attack. I can only explain that, for me, it begins with a gush of pain to my heart which then runs through my veins and sends shudders through my body. And then having recognised this as a sign of the horror to come, my fear is enhanced threefold and I feel an urge to fight it off. My thoughts become totally absorbed with trying to control and push those feelings down that when the shudders return again and again, and I realise I can’t prevent them, the panic inside me becomes too overwhelming to bear.

In my state, my thoughts are irrational and can sometimes lead to ideas of self-harm. My thought process is often: ‘I can’t take any more of this pain? How many more times do I have to go through this? This is no way to live. No physical pain can be as bad as this.’ And whilst this downward spiral is happening I am also unable to speak. This gets me even more frustrated because I then start to feel trapped, alone and so so scared. Other side effects also include finding it difficult to breathe, hyperventilating and feelings of weakness and exhaustion. This exhaustion can often linger into the next day which is pretty dangerous as it could trigger further panic attacks.

Throughout the years, I have recognised a number of factors which tend to exacerbate my panic attacks and also a number of tactics which have worked for me in reducing their impact.

These are:

  • Sometimes it’s better to just let it happen. The more you resist, the more your mind will focus/dwell on the panicky thoughts and this can escalate things very quickly. I’ve never successfully fought off a panic attack but I have had attacks which don’t last as long and this tends to happen when I just let go instead of trying to resist them. Accepting that it is going to happen sounds pretty scary at first, but just remember that they will pass eventually.
  • Listen to some relaxing piano music. I find that my panic attacks seem less threatening when I can just lie in bed, put my headphones in and listen to some peaceful piano music. My favourite is Ludovico Einaudi. I tend to avoid music with lyrics because sometimes the lyrics will reside with me and trigger some unwanted thoughts.
  • Keeping your eyes open. There is a tendency to close our eyes because we feel tired and possibly also to keep the tears away. But, I find that when my eyes are closed this creates a space for my mind to conjure up terrible thoughts. In opening them up I can head back to reality and ground myself.
  • Breathe. That feeling where you can’t seem to take enough air can cause you to panic more. Take a big breath and release it slowly. Your out breath should be longer than your intake breath and should also give you something to else to focus on other than your thoughts.
  • Record your experience. Different people will find that some things work better than others. So the key to working out what works for you is to write everything down. This includes what you think caused the panic attack, the environment you were in (location, busy/quiet atmosphere), techniques tried and whether they were effective, duration, time of day etc. At regular intervals you should review your logs and see if you can identify patterns, triggers and warning signs. Another idea is that if you have someone who is aware of your panic attacks, you can share the preventative techniques which have previously worked with them so that they make sure you follow them through.
  • Find release. For me writing is my release. I guess this is because I find it extremely difficult to express myself verbally. It’s not healthy to keep everything cooped up inside of us. So this is why this point is probably one of the most important tips I have. Everyone needs a release once in a while, otherwise all the containment can build up into one big panic. So find something which means you can express and target all that pain. This can be anything for example a painting, a song or even a dance. In this way, you can turn that pain into something beautiful.
  • Don’t give up. Try everything! There are plenty of relaxation techniques that you can find online. Don’t be scared to try a few of these outs. Who knows, one might just work for you.

Let me know if you guys have any other techniques to add!

-Speaking the taboo-

Oppression of a Nation

Society
that stigma
did take away
the only medication
I ever needed.

So disappointed
in our teachings
which say
we must stop
with our self-pitying
when all we want
is to get one’s self out of the pit.

How sorry
that children
and adults alike
degrade ‘mental’
of the mind
an insult
urban it
you get ‘crazy’.

Where “that’s depressing”
so casually thrown around
dilutes what is real
erases our medical existence
leaving us no diagnosis.

Where a chemical imbalance
a lack of insulin
both medical conditions
both killers
but
only one you can call in sick
the other; pull yourself together.

So it’s no wonder
we hide
in starvation
dehydration
this is the oppression of
our nation.

Let us start
an uprising.